Notice: The article below is written for Uusi Rovaniemi newspaper, property of Lapin Kansa Oy.
As you may have observed, women and men who work or live closely together often get tied up in communication knots, especially over issues that involve power and decision-making. That is because the sexes have distinct ways of communicating, different verbal responses and timing, which can result in misunderstandings. In other words, lots of cross talk. Miscommunication between genders can cause stress, strain relationships, and generate mistrust. People can misunderstand and misinterpret each other but when we add in gender differences, it seems amazing that couples still exist. Just think about the miscommunications you have had in your relationships.
‘‘Women from Venus, men from Mars’’ is a commonly held assumption that men and women hail from different psychological and social planets. Firstly, let us be clear on one thing. There is no such thing as an ‘‘absolute male’’ or ‘‘absolute female’’. People are individuals first and amalgams of cultural values and biological traits after that. However, common gender traits can be identified.
A cross-cultural relationship is a real struggle; as if being in a relationship with a person from the same ethnic background wasn’t difficult enough. Gender, cultural, and personality differences are given. From personal experience and observation, Finns are a unique mixture of free-thinking, sexual liberalism, conservative tradition and harsh climatic conditions. They can be awfully egocentric, always comparing things in the way they are done at home. Also, not showing one’s emotions openly is a real drag. And once you get a Finn to talk about his feelings, he is straightforward about it and do not repeat it. (“I told you once that I love you, don’t you remember?”). Men talk to report the facts not to establish relationship. It gets a bit boring not to mention it kills romanticism.
However, I believe, the majority of Finnish men are trustworthy in terms of keeping promises and meaning the things they say but at the same time they are so hard to communicate with. I feel that most of the times I talk to a concrete wall and not a human being with feelings and emotions. I usually repeat myself because our lovely boys do not use any non-verbal communication by avoiding eye- contact, gestures, and usually keeping their distance. Many international people living in Finland find it difficult to acclimatize to the interpersonal characteristics of the nation.
Here are some concrete suggestions for people who want to bridge the gender gap and make cross-gender communications work for you.
Ø Avoid raising your voice in a questioning tone at the end of sentences. When your voice goes up, your credibility goes down.
Ø Be aware of listening style differences. Women listen attentively with direct eye contact, nodding and vocalizing, which men often misconstrue to mean agreement.
Ø Monitor your smiling. Women smile to be friendly. Men smile to women when flirting. Be careful your behaviours are not misinterpreted.
NOTE! ‘Mars/Venus’ author John Gray says that when young boys have to deal with life problems, they tend to act out. They get more aggressive, even violent, and are likely to blame others for their dilemmas. Gray notes that when young girls are faced with similar difficulties, they tend to act in. They get more introverted and usually blame themselves. This is why, according to Gray, 80% of the people in our prisons are men and 80% of the people in therapy are women.
Every girl dreams that one day she will find a guy that does these things for her. Even the smallest action can have the BIGGEST impact in someone’s life.
